15 Steps to being a true UAE Metalhead

WARNING NOT FOR SENSITIVE METALHEADS – PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS ADVISED

We put together a *parody of a ‘true UAE metalhead’ with the help of a number of well-known musicians and UAE underground scene stalwarts. So here you go:

Step 1: Loudly and actively hate any bands that have more than 10 fans (except Metallica/Megadeth)

Step 2: Find the most obscure vegetarian Norwegian grindcore band and their only YouTube video and post it everywhere saying how awesome it is (having not actually listened to it yourself)

Step 3: Create the most unreadable band name/logo for your band – which is made up of two people practicing in your parent’s basement

Step 4: Find an extreme metal band t-shirt – it does not matter if you have never heard of/listened to that band – as long as a) you import it into the UAE and b) noone else has it or has heard of the band

Step 5: Loudly proclaim how you are supporting the UAE underground and complain how bad the UAE metal scene is, but don’t attend any metal shows (Nasimi is metal right?)

Step 6: Get your parents to pay for you to go to international metal festivals while proclaiming your love and undying support for local bands/gigs

Step 7: Die your hair black or shave your head completely – THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE – if your hair is naturally black you are metal as phuk already.

Step 8: (For the ladies) Wear your abaya and put a Korn shirt over it – this DOES make you metal as phuk!

Step 9: Post on music ‘sites’ that they don’t know anything thing because they’re not always posting petitions to bring Lamb of God or Dying Foetus to Dubai.

Step 10: You MUST have at least a token Iron Maiden or Slayer or Metallica t-shirt!! Because let’s face it, if you have the t-shirt then you MUST be hard core….

Step 11: When you form a mosh pit you need to make sure your friends have got their smart phones on record to ensure they can get it all on video, so you can show other people how “hard core” you are

Step 12: Congratulate the band that just got off stage, making sure your friends see you hang out with them all night as if you were the very epicentre of the scene and then publicly bash the crap out of their performance the next day

Step 13: Brag about how you got sooooo incredibly hammered at the concert last night while the tab said nothing but Mountain Dew and Ginger Ale

Step 14: Actually get drunk beyond belief and then try to convince people (that actually ARE doing something to grow the local music scene) that everything would be so much better if [add list of absolutely ridiculous ideas and suggestions here], not realising that better versions of those ideas are already being executed by those very same people – don’t forget to complain bitterly if you then get mocked, ignored and ejected.

Step 15: Ask staff at Dubai’s better music stores what gear to get to sound EXACTLY like John Petrucci on a Dh800 budget limit

BONUS STEPS MAILED IN TO US:

STEP 16: convince Mommy and Daddy to buy you the SUPAFACEMELTA distortion pedal (latest and greatest as stocked by Thomsun Music – the store for all truly “dedicated” musicians) so that it combines with the B.C. Rich “Warlock” guitar they gave you for Christmas – or you just won’t have “the sound” you need to make people realiSe you really are serious about making dedicated grindcore-acid-punk-neo classical-tribal-antagonistic metal…

STEP 17: Get 3 buddies together who know all about how Kerry King “attacks” his solos by stomping down on a “Compressor/Sustainer” – and THAT’S how he gets it to scream like an Angel being raped by Megalodonic Werewolf Serpent….and attend gigs and sit in the corner talking it up about how if THEY were onstage, they would have more stage presence and be able to write better riffs to enable more jumping around…

STEP 18: Whatever you do, do NOT MOSH. Stand with your arms folded absolutely still right in front of the stage OR to be the most metal you can be sit in a chair at a nearby table and nod your head.

STEP 19: If there’s a band that plays Rock/Punk in a gig you should call them gays and leave the gig until they finish

\m/

Feel free to add YOUR suggestions to our list below in the comments OR EMAIL them in to us at metalityuae@yahoo.co.uk.

* PARODY

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